Selfish Prayer

"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." // Hebrews 4:16

Prayer is something I've been struggling with lately. Over the past month or so, I've often thought, "what is the point of prayer?"

I guess it just comes with growing up, but there just seem to be a lot of adult-y things happening around me lately - heartbreak, sickness, infertility, infidelity, hatred, addiction. Along with shoulders to cry on and hands to hold, I want to offer prayer. I have always been in awe of women deemed "prayer warriors" and would love to be known as one someday. One of my resolutions for this year is to make 2016 a year marked by prayer. You would think with all this opportunity and motivation, I'd be fired up by the thought of praying, but the truth is, I've been quite the opposite - weighed down and full of questions.

"What if I ask the wrong things?"

"If I forget to pray for them, will something terrible happen because of me?"

"Did that not happen because I didn't pray hard enough or good enough?"

"What is the point of prayer if God already has a plan?"

Thankfully, God welcomes our doubts, fears, insecurities, and frustrations. He is sweet and patient. As I sat on my living room floor, asking God those questions, He showed me the problem: me.

I had made prayer completely selfish. 100% self-centered. My questions revealed the truth: "Why pray if I'm not going to get what I ask for?"

God is sweet and patient, yes, but He is also the Truth - and sometimes, the truth hurts. But it's pain with a purpose. I had stopped seeing prayer for what it is.

Prayer is power. It's peace. It's hope. It's literally a conversation with the Creator of the Universe. Complete access to our Savior, Healer, Redeemer, Protector, Provider.

Instead of focusing on God's sovereignty and power, I was using prayer as a way to take things into my own hands. And when it "wasn't working," I got confused and frustrated and bitter. I truly desired to participate in life-changing prayer, but I wanted to be the one in charge of the change. Basically, I got too big for my britches.

"Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you." {1 Peter 5:7}

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." {Philippians 4:6-7}

Prayer isn't selfish; it was designed to be selfless. It's not about getting what we want, even if our desires are good; it's about handing over problems in exchange for peace. Peace that comes from knowing we're giving the problems to the only One who can actually take care of them. It's a humble recognition of our humanity and a proclamation of God's power.

The point of prayer is to loosen our grip on those "adult-y" things we're trying so hard to deal with and fix and handle and heal and redeem on our own. It's an opportunity for us to extend an invitation to God. To invite Him into our hearts and minds, into our homes and our days.

"What if I ask the wrong things?"  Yes, I'm sure I'll sometimes ask the wrong things. Thank the Lord He knows the desires of my heart and knows what I actually need.

"If I forget to pray for them, will something terrible happen because of me?" Nope. That's not how it works. I'm not all-powerful, and the fate of my loved ones and this world does not rest in my words or my ability to pray.

"Did that not happen because I didn't pray hard enough or good enough?" See previous answer.

"What is the point of prayer if God already has a plan?" The point is to spend time with God, tell Him our hopes and dreams and fears and troubles, take the pressure off ourselves and trust that our infinite God is working together an infinite number of details for the good of those who love Him.

One Sunday a couple of years ago, one of the board members for our church delivered the sermon. He is a gifted speaker, and his words make it clear that he spends time with Jesus.

I won't lie and tell you I remember the whole thing, but I do know he said something that might be one of the most profound statements I've ever heard come out of a human mouth.

Crave connection, not clarity. When you are connected to the Creator, clarity comes. 

Can we just read that again?

Crave connection, not clarity. When you are connected to the Creator, clarity comes. 

I. Love. That.

I want to be a woman who craves connection with her Creator, and doesn't just come to Him looking for clarity. A prayer warrior who knows she is powerless but has access to the God who is all-powerful. A daughter of the King who trusts her Father with everything and doesn't grip prayer requests with closed fists because she thinks she knows the best way to answer them.

I typically close by offering an invitation to do something together: "Let's..." But I think this time, it's more fitting to offer thanks. Thank you for allowing me to be honest and work through my selfishness. I'm sad to say this likely won't be the last time, but I'm certainly praying God will be quick to correct and show me once again when the buttons on my britches are about to burst.