What would be most helpful?
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” // Romans 12:15
“What would be most helpful?”
It’s a question I’m guessing all of us have asked others and been asked ourselves. I think it’s just the sweet way of community that we are always simultaneously being cared for and taking care of others. Relationship is a beautiful thing. Relationship is what we were created for - relationship with our Creator through Christ, and relationship with one another. To rejoice together and to weep together.
In the 66 months Jake and I have been preparing to meet our child, we’ve been asked that question many times. Our small group asked us again recently. After some time to really think about it and a good night’s sleep, I feel like I finally landed on something that actually is “most helpful.”
Text if it’s on your heart and mind to do so, but without any expectation of a reply.
(Now, before you start begrudgingly reaching for your phones to send me a text because you think this is my passive-aggressive way of asking for sympathy, please don’t. And please know that’s not what this is at all.)
My hope is this: If you are grieving, that this will give you words to tell your people how to love you. And if one of your people is grieving, that this will help you love them better.
What I shared with the wives in our small group (and what I think a lot of us can relate to) is this: “I’ve been thinking so much about last night and your kind offers to come alongside us and do what is most helpful. I honestly feel like that’s a really tough question to answer because it changes. Some days I think, ‘why is no one texting me?’ And other days I think, ‘I can’t believe they’re asking me about this right now.’ I feel like my mind is a crazy place, and I’m so sorry that I basically want people to be mind-readers. I feel like the most helpful thing is to text if you feel like you want to, but with no expectation for a reply. Some days I feel super joyful and open to share all the details of how I’m feeling. And other days, I can barely talk to anyone. Please know that if I don’t respond, it doesn’t mean that I never want you to text me. It just means that, that day might be particularly tough. But knowing we are being prayed for is truly the most encouraging thing.”
Like we talked about earlier, we likely all exist in a state of experiencing our own grief while also walking alongside loved ones who are grieving. Yes, I’m in a season of delayed-fertility; but I also have friends who have been given difficult diagnoses, battle anxiety and depression, are grieving the loss of children and parents and siblings, hate their jobs, and have difficult family members. And I am guilty of wanting grace while not letting it flow so freely myself. Some days are good, and some days are bad - and I get petty and resentful on bad days, and I don’t want to respond to text messages. But underneath the pettiness and resentment is so much gratitude that we are being thought about and prayed for. And moving forward, I will be able to remind myself of that truth when I reach out to a hurting friend and don’t hear back. I’ll remind myself to not get offended and not take their lack of response as a sign to never reach out again.
Know that if someone is on your heart, God put them there for a reason. Send the text. Let them know you’re thinking about them. And don’t worry if it goes unanswered.
We all have “our people,” and we are all part of someone else’s “people.” And as people, it’s a gift to rejoice together and weep together. Let’s love our people without expectations of how it should be received.
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If your heart is heavy after reading this because you don’t feel like you have “your people,” I highly encourage you to find a small group at your church, a book club, a walking buddy, a group of neighbors - kind, encouraging, honest people to do life with. Stepping into community can be awkward and difficult, but relationship is what you were created for. Your heart and mind will thank you.