Disappointment and Grace

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ, even when we were dead in our sin - it is by grace you have been saved." // Ephesians 2:4-5

Over the past year or so, I've been thinking a lot about what it is that makes me come alive - what's my purpose, my mission. I came across this quote by Howard Thurman a while back, and it really rocked my world: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." 

I've been thinking a lot about what that looks like in my own life, and I can truly say that what makes me feel most alive is reading, learning about, studying God's Word and having meaningful conversations with family, friends, strangers about how that Truth applies to our lives, the joy His Divine Word brings, the life and purpose it gives to each of us so uniquely and specifically. That's where this little slice of inter-web comes into play, and like I told you last week, I will strive to show up and share.

Ah, sharing... It's a bit scary, huh? Yes, but fear is the worst, remember? (Something I have to remind myself multiple times a day.) But if this little blog is ever going to be what my heart wants it to be, vulnerability is key. One of the pastors at our church delivered a sermon a few weeks ago about vulnerability. He talked about how important radical vulnerability is - how it breaks down walls and softens hardened hearts. These two CS Lewis quotes sum it up perfectly...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

"Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

And that is what my heart hopes this place will be: a place where love and friendship grow, a place where we read and study what God has to say about us, a place where we cast off fear and shame and whatever it is that's holding us back, a place where we begin to know God's Truth so deeply that we can't help but shine.

So I come to you today knowing it's my turn to be vulnerable.

I've been in a place I wasn't able to pinpoint until last night. Last night, while I was sitting in church, listening to the story of Jesus washing His disciples' feet and then singing one of my grandma's favorite hymns, 'How Great Thou Art,' it hit me.

The place I've been is called disappointment.

I've been disappointed with myself. I'm disappointed that I haven't written a book. I'm disappointed that I haven't started a non-profit. I'm disappointed that I feel like I haven't made an impact on the world yet. And you know what? I'm even disappointed in my disappointments! Ha! How crazy is that?! Because I think, what do I have to be disappointed about? There are so many people who have more to worry about than I do.

It's an awful place and one in which I didn't realize I was stuck. But being reminded of Jesus' humility and what He was getting ready to do for us after that feet-washing really got my heart. Looking at Jesus made me realize there is no need to be in this place of disappointment. It's not about what I have or haven't done - it's about what He has already done. It's about grace. Receiving this perfect gift and knowing that I am complete if my faith is in Christ. It is by GRACE we have been saved! 

Of course, we are called to give and serve and do - but we are called to do those things in response to what God has done for us. We are called to take each day as it comes and shine in whatever ways we can. But I was caught up in wanting to shine the way I thought I should be shining. Instead of being thankful, I was disappointed.

Looking at Jesus is the only way to put things back into perspective. Looking at the Cross and being reminded of His sacrificial love. Realizing that we did nothing to deserve a way back to God, but because of His great love for us, He made a way.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus; look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

Today, I fix my eyes on Jesus and step out of disappointment. If you find yourself in the same place, let's step out together. Let's face each day with the Truth that this life is not about what we have or haven't done. It's about living in and sharing what God has already done through Jesus.